i've never had such high anxiety. im constantly shaking and sick to my stomach. i hate this. this should not be happening and I hate that it is. I just want to cry. I'm trying to do my job to the best of my ability and it sucks that this is part of my job. I just want to curl up in a ball until it goes away, but I can't. This is my job and I have to be professional and still keep my friends.
For now, I will curl up in a ball and sleep because I am so emotionally drained I can't keep my eyes open.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Some Enchanted Evening
So yesterday I went to see my first Broadway show that isn't Spring Awakening in awhile. It was South Pacific and it was beautiful. I absolutely loved it. David Pittsinger was Emile and while at first I was disappointed beecause I really wanted to get the chance to see Paulo Szot, David blew me away. His voice was stunning. Once he went into Some Enchanted Evening, I was absolutely hooked. Gorgeous, and he played the character well and overall gave a great performance. Another thing I thought I would be disappointed with was the fact that I had missed seeing Matthew Morrison as Lt. Joe Cable by mere days. His last perfrmance was Sunday night, and Andrew Samonsky started on Tuesday. I absolutely love Andrew. Now, I have never seen Matthew in the part but if I had to judge between Matthew on the CD and Andrew on the show, Andrew would win. His voice was perfect, he had a great mixed register and he wasn't straining at all to his the high notes in Younger Than Springtime, which I can't say about the CD version. He was perfect, his voice, his character. And it didn't hurt that he was absolutely gorgeous as a person. Kelli O'Hara was great. She sounded like she might be a little sick, had some trouble hitting a note or two, but she was very good. Her acting was phenomenal as Nellie. And I loooved Danny Burstien as Luther Billis. There is Nothin Like a Dame was one of my favorite pieces. It was hilarious, and there was so much going on and it was just plain fun!
I absolutely adored this show. The music is beautiful, and I can't get it out of my head. Even after seeing Spring Awakening again today, I was singing South Pacific at the stage door. It was just the kind of show I needed to remind me how much is out there that I've been missing.
Now, I also went to see Spring Awakening for my 7th and final time tonight. My friend bought a ticket for me awhile back, probably 3 weeks ago at this point and it took me a long time to actually decide I was going. A few days ago was when I officially said yes. See, when I saw the show in December 16, with Matt Doyle as Melchior, and I thought it was my last time, it was an amazing show. It is still my favorite of all the times I've seen it. I wasn't sure I could go again, and have a different show be my last memory of SA. But, my dear Sarah wanted me to go and so I eventually decided I would. And the show was great. Hunter wasn't bad as Melchior, in fact I really enjoyed his acting, but his voice doesn't hold a candle to Matt's. He was good, but I could tell that he had been sick only a few days before. He didn't have a good switch from chest to head voice and sometimes he was quiet. But all in all he was good. He facial expressions in Totally F*cked were hilarious. Like I said, I thought his acting was great. Gerard of course made me bawl, on more than one occasion this time. He sounded a little hoarse in Don't Do Sadness, butI loved him. He broke my heart when he told his father he failed, and then the suicide scene all but killed me. He is amazing.
Stagedoor was fun, but annoying. There were a lot of screaming giddy young girls that i wanted to strangle. I was about 2 or 3 people deep so Sarah was getting my playbill signed for me. We talked to Hunter for a miinute or two, an he was a real sweetheart! It was really cool to meet him. Sadly, Matt didn't come out, but I have such a great memory of him from last time, that I'm really not disappointed.
I cried through most of this show, knowing that without a doubt, this is my last time seeing this show that has touched me so much. But, I realized tonight that it is time for me to move on anyway. While I love Spring Awakening, and nothing has ever touched me like this has, and nothing probably will for a long time, I realize, especially after finally seeing a different show for once, that there is so much more out there I want to see. Spring Awakening will always have a close place in my heart for the hope and happiness it has given me this past year (1 year ago on Tuesday was the first time I saw the show!), but it's time to close the book on it.
I'm happy about this realization. There are so many things I want to see now, that I've been neglecting because I was so focused on Spring Awakening that it's exciting to think about all the new things I will see! I have tickets for Guys and Dolls in March and I'm also hoping to see West Side Story over the summer and some other shows as well. I can't wait til I have time this summer to do that!
In other news, I saw my friends from Jersey for the last time til April or May today. It was sad, and I'll miss them. I love being home and spending time with them. They are my life and I miss them a lot when we are all at school.
Also, Sarah is driving back up to school with me now on Sunday which is cool. I told her we could listen to Bare and some other musicals. I'm glad it's Sarah cause she understands my love for some things and she'll appreciate my music, so I can listen to my music instead of putting on the radio if it was another person. She's also going to come stay with me for Spring Break! Her parents are going on a cruise and mine are going to be in Florida, plus we are both hoping to be in the travel band for the mens Big East tournaent at MSG which we would have to be at on the Tuesday of break anyway so she's just gonna come stay with me and then we'll go in to MSG together. She's also going to come see Guys and Dolls with me that weekend =).
I head back to school Sunday. I'm nervous, but I've been doing so much work an prep that I think I can do this. I'm like the little engine that could haha.
I absolutely adored this show. The music is beautiful, and I can't get it out of my head. Even after seeing Spring Awakening again today, I was singing South Pacific at the stage door. It was just the kind of show I needed to remind me how much is out there that I've been missing.
Now, I also went to see Spring Awakening for my 7th and final time tonight. My friend bought a ticket for me awhile back, probably 3 weeks ago at this point and it took me a long time to actually decide I was going. A few days ago was when I officially said yes. See, when I saw the show in December 16, with Matt Doyle as Melchior, and I thought it was my last time, it was an amazing show. It is still my favorite of all the times I've seen it. I wasn't sure I could go again, and have a different show be my last memory of SA. But, my dear Sarah wanted me to go and so I eventually decided I would. And the show was great. Hunter wasn't bad as Melchior, in fact I really enjoyed his acting, but his voice doesn't hold a candle to Matt's. He was good, but I could tell that he had been sick only a few days before. He didn't have a good switch from chest to head voice and sometimes he was quiet. But all in all he was good. He facial expressions in Totally F*cked were hilarious. Like I said, I thought his acting was great. Gerard of course made me bawl, on more than one occasion this time. He sounded a little hoarse in Don't Do Sadness, butI loved him. He broke my heart when he told his father he failed, and then the suicide scene all but killed me. He is amazing.
Stagedoor was fun, but annoying. There were a lot of screaming giddy young girls that i wanted to strangle. I was about 2 or 3 people deep so Sarah was getting my playbill signed for me. We talked to Hunter for a miinute or two, an he was a real sweetheart! It was really cool to meet him. Sadly, Matt didn't come out, but I have such a great memory of him from last time, that I'm really not disappointed.
I cried through most of this show, knowing that without a doubt, this is my last time seeing this show that has touched me so much. But, I realized tonight that it is time for me to move on anyway. While I love Spring Awakening, and nothing has ever touched me like this has, and nothing probably will for a long time, I realize, especially after finally seeing a different show for once, that there is so much more out there I want to see. Spring Awakening will always have a close place in my heart for the hope and happiness it has given me this past year (1 year ago on Tuesday was the first time I saw the show!), but it's time to close the book on it.
I'm happy about this realization. There are so many things I want to see now, that I've been neglecting because I was so focused on Spring Awakening that it's exciting to think about all the new things I will see! I have tickets for Guys and Dolls in March and I'm also hoping to see West Side Story over the summer and some other shows as well. I can't wait til I have time this summer to do that!
In other news, I saw my friends from Jersey for the last time til April or May today. It was sad, and I'll miss them. I love being home and spending time with them. They are my life and I miss them a lot when we are all at school.
Also, Sarah is driving back up to school with me now on Sunday which is cool. I told her we could listen to Bare and some other musicals. I'm glad it's Sarah cause she understands my love for some things and she'll appreciate my music, so I can listen to my music instead of putting on the radio if it was another person. She's also going to come stay with me for Spring Break! Her parents are going on a cruise and mine are going to be in Florida, plus we are both hoping to be in the travel band for the mens Big East tournaent at MSG which we would have to be at on the Tuesday of break anyway so she's just gonna come stay with me and then we'll go in to MSG together. She's also going to come see Guys and Dolls with me that weekend =).
I head back to school Sunday. I'm nervous, but I've been doing so much work an prep that I think I can do this. I'm like the little engine that could haha.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Insomnia
I haven't been able to sleep for most of this break. The first few days I think were all. But now, I can't fall asleep until at least 3 if not later and then I sleep until 12;30 and the samething happens over and over again. I don'tknow why it is. This used to happen when I was younger on Sunday nights every so often or at the end of summer or a break when I had to return tos chool. But this is 3 weeks straight. It's getting ridiculous. My mom said back then when I coudln't sleep it must be because my mind was racing, even if I didn't know it. Nowadays, I may not be aware of it but my mind is constantly racing. I think right now, because I have such a strong fear of failure, that I'm constantlythnking about failing at my responsibilities for this upcoming semester. I know I haven't done a poor job so far, but I'm just always afraid I'm going to make a mistake. There are so many people who did not want me in this position, that I'm paranoid that if I make one mistake everything I've been working so hard at will come crashing down on me. I've wanted this for so long, and I finally have it and I love it, I do. And I work really hard at what I do, I put a lot of effort into this. Into this above all things, above things it shouldn't be above, like my recital (which is also freaking me out a bit), but I have that much dedication to this that it is my number one priority. And I wish everyone could see that, I wish everyone knew or that I could express or better portray how much this means to me and how much I love what I'm doing.
I think that once I'm back at school and this all gets underway, I'll be fine and I'll go back to sleeping. I'm not going to let this run my life. But right now I'm just scared of failure. And I'm also really excited, don't get me wrong. I'm extremely excited to be doing what I'm doing and be doing it with these amazing people, and I think that's part of it too. So one more week of insomnia and I'm back to school for what should prove to be one hell of a semester, in more ways than one.
Maybe reading some more will help. Maybe.
I think that once I'm back at school and this all gets underway, I'll be fine and I'll go back to sleeping. I'm not going to let this run my life. But right now I'm just scared of failure. And I'm also really excited, don't get me wrong. I'm extremely excited to be doing what I'm doing and be doing it with these amazing people, and I think that's part of it too. So one more week of insomnia and I'm back to school for what should prove to be one hell of a semester, in more ways than one.
Maybe reading some more will help. Maybe.
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