Insomnia

I can't sleep! This is getting to be ridiculous. I want to sleep! So I looked it up on WebMD. yes. I did. judge me.

okay. now that that's out of the way. I looked it up. and I can't imagine I have chronic insomnia (although I guess if this persists for a few more weeks I might...which means i should go to a doctor. whatever. here is what it said about acute insomnia.
Causes of acute insomnia can include:
Significant life stress (job loss or change, death of a loved one, divorce, moving).
Illness.
Emotional or physical discomfort.
Environmental factors like noise, light, or extreme temperatures (hot or cold) that interfere with sleep.
Some medications (for example those used to treat colds, allergies, depression, high blood pressure, and asthma) may interfere with sleep.
Interferences in normal sleep schedule (jet lag or switching from a day to night shift, for example).

maybe it's cuz I just started the new job? but that's not new. I'm a temp. I start new jobs all the time and I dont get insomonia from it.
no one died. i didn't get a divorce. I moved home from school...but i lived here for 10 years before i went to college...this is my room...why would coming BACK home give me insomnia?
i'm not sick
could be emotional or physical discomfort. multitude of things I'm unhappy with going on with my emotions lol
it's hot in my room...but i turn the fan on...negates that fact.
i don't take medication...only twice to help me fall asleep/help with allergies
dont have interferences with my normal sleep schedule.

okay..i'm really only writing this cause i can't sleep and i wanted something to do.

maybe another episode of house?
i'd like to go for a run...but it's almost 2 am. bad idea.
in the mroning.

Going Downhill...

so after that last entry my summer started going really great. i had a really awesome 2 weeks. I got a job! which is fantastic. I actually ended getting 2 offers. Well one never officially made the offer but when I told them I was taking another job she said something to the effect. Anyway. I'm working as the "dramatics coordinator" at a summer camp in Monroe. Heather works there as the dance specialist so it's nice to know someone. And the kid who got the job I originally applied for (the music specialist) is actually someone I know from church and I'm excited to be working with him too.
I'm doing three musicals. the 3rd/4th graders are doing a show written by the camp directors. The 5th and 6th graders are doing Annie Jr. (conveniently which I did in 8th grade, and have on video =) and my script still...i'm a pack rat) and the 7th and 8th graders are doing a revised version of You're a Good Man Charlie Brown.
After I got the job I went and made all the cuts to the script and additions to the 3rd/4th grade show that I was asked to do...now I just need to get them approved by the camp directors.
I'm excited for this job, but I"m a little nervous having never directed before, but it'll be a learning experience and I'll have help and support so it should be fine. I can't wait for that to start so I"m actually doing something I like to do with my time.
I also got a new phone (my old one crapped out), saw Next to Normal, saw The Last Goodbye at Joe's Pub where Sarah works, went to the beach (got an awful burn on my back which is just going away a week later), went to the COlorado Cafe for the first time in months, saw all my friends, got paid a little to work for a day at Rutgers, and just all around had some fun for awhile.

Tuesday I started a temp job at STS near my house. I work in the accounting department. When I say that i sort paper, count the piles, total the piles and put it in a folder...i'm not kiddng. All week. And for the next week and a half. It's awful. I get $10 an hour which is fantastic, but that doesnt change the fact that I sit at a desk by myself, alone, no music, no one to talk to, no nothing, for 9 hours a day. Then I come home and I'm exhausted because I can't sleep at night. I finally fall asleep around 3 am and I get up 3 hours later. a few times in the past few weeks I've resorted to taking medicine that makes me drowsy to fall asleep. Someting tells me that's not healthy. Even today on my day off, didn't fall asleep til about 3 am. expected that i'd end up sleeping late since I had nothing to do today but go to church in a few hours, but I woke up at like 9. for some reason I just can't get a full nights sleep. and it's not like I dont want to. Hell, I've started going to bed at like 9:30...and i sit in my bed for hours attempting tos leep and i dont. what the hell body. let me sleep.

so i've been working for a week and come tomorrow when I finally see my friends at the colorado I'll not have seen any of them for a week. It's summer. why am i going a week without seeing my friends? Summer is long, but it's not that long. a week without seeing them is kind of shitty. And since no on is around today (not even my family - mom is at a spa with her sisters and my bro/dad are at the Mets game) I've been sitting around doing nothing. I went fora run, I have church soon, and I deposited my check from work. I considered last night ddriving up to Bloomsburg to see Tara, but then I remembered that i believe she is out of town this weekend for a graduation party.

I lead a sad life right now. It's only been a week like this and I can't stand it. This cannot happen for the next few weeks before I start my other job. My friends and I discussed going on a little "vacation" before our jobs start. I hope we do. I can't stand being in an office all day and then coming home to not being able to sleep and not seeing my friends. and i've never not gone on vacation before. My family always goes. I know I sound like a little spoiled brat but it's just what we do. We save up every year and go somewhere for a week. This year is our last year of vacation so I was told, and I have the fortune of not being able to go because of work. It sucks. alot. I like just having that week to relax, hang out on the beach and spend time with my family.

well, I'm really only writing this cuz i'm bored. I have some other stuff I could talk about but I'd rather not I guess. I'm just lonely right now. I feel alone. whatever. I'm gonna get ready to go to churh.

<3
Kelly

Our Last Summer

So I'm home for the summer now...it still doesn't feel like I'll be home for 3 months now.

My room is a disaster area. I mean t always has been, ut it's really bad right now. I have tooo much stuff for my room. So. I've decided to completely clean it out this summer. starting today. I'm cleaning it out, I'm getting ride of the wallpaper and painting it, and I'm rearranging the furniture. It's happening. i'm going to start putting things in boxes that I don' t need out, or that I want for when I move out of here and move them up to the attic or into the garage. It's a scaryt hought, but I am a senior in college now. I won't be living here forever, or for much longer n fact so I guess it's time to start cleaning so I won't have much to move out- Scary.

As far as the rest of summer goes, I am still currently unemployed, which is fantastic. I was supposed to hear back from Allegra (a performinig arts camp) about the directing job last week...still haven't heard therefore I just assume I didn' t get the job. I'm gonna go out to the mall and suh later this week and apply, which is soooo what I want to do wth my summer. And I'm registered at the temp agency, so maybe I'll get lucky like last year and work most of the summer.

I'm supposed to sing at a wedding in July - the week that my family goes on vacation. I said yes back in February when she alled because at the time I was anticipating having a job at one of the 12 camps I applied for, so I wouldn't be going on vacation. But now I have no job, and this is my last chance to go on vacation with my family. Granted, this vacatiion falls at an awful time, but it'sbecause it's with my entire dad's side of the family and that s when they chose to go. So now if I don't get a job...I can go...but I already agreed to sing at this wedding (which is for my best friends brother). dilemma. I guess I could drive myself down (to the Outer Banks miind you) and then come back early to sing at the wedding. Because if I don't have a job, I won't want to be stayin at my house by myself for a week. O no.

ah well. it's time to start unpacking/cleaning out my room.

I'm right not to trust anyone. I can barely trust my closest friends.

Done

I am completely over being treated like crap for no damn reason. I said nothing to deserve the attitude I get. Hell, I haven't spoken to you all day because I've been locked in my room clceaning it, or running around the house cleaning up the mess so bite me. I said nothing to merit you being a bitch to me. If that is how you are going to treat me, then I will not stand for it anymore. Don't bother trying to speak to me or be my friend because it's obvious you're not. Completely over it.

Main Squeeze

Who would have though that after 2 years of thinking the group hated me, or being frustrated by the drama and rehearsals, that I would fall in love with this group my junior year.

This years group has meant so much to me. I have never had more fun going to rehearsals and seeing them. in my 4 semesters befor them, I dreaded going to rehearsals. Half the time I wondered why the hell I was still doing it, whether or not I loved a cappella. But i stayed and I'm so glad I did

Last night was one of the most fun nights I have had all year. We all went to Jane's house and did elections (I'm the new music director with Liz!) and not only was it a blast, but I was so touched by a lot of the things that were said to or about me. First off during elections, when nominating for music directors, most of the group just plain shouted my name at me. I was so touched to think that they all wanted me as the music director next year. THat means so much to me, being a music education major.

Then later int he night we were doing superlatived for the group that was still there and so many sweet things were said about me. Krystal told me that I am one of the few music ed majors that she would actually want teaching her children, most people told me I'm going to be a great music teacher, Jane said I was most likely to be a good friend and that I was crazy for thinkin they didn't like me freshman year. Someone said I'm most likely to never complain at rehearsal. Just so many sweet things. I didn't cry yesterday, but I might cry now thinking back on it.

But o man, it was just so much fun. After elections we just started siinging random songs that we haven't done, or didnt want to do in forever. And granted, some of them sounded bad, but damn! Fever sounded good for not having done it all semester! So after awhile it got hot so we went outside and started singing. aaand eventually some sketchballs started filming us from across the street. So we waved (smart right?) and we were talking tot hem and we sang some more and then they just got creepy so we retreated into the house.

We sang Baby one last time for the seniors and everyone leaving and it was sad. But I spent 4 hours there just hanging out and singing and getting to know everyone even better and it was great. Defeinitely one of my best memories fromt his year. I am going to miss this group so much next year. I know I'll still be here but it won't be this group and I'm going to miss them like crazy.

Squeeze Me!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hfGSl9HLnls
<3
Kelly

It's Now or Never

So, I'm currently looking for work this summer. I just had an interview at a camp about 35 minutes from me to work as the music specialist with little kids. It is between me and another junior music major from who knows where and I guess I'll find out soon. I'm also in the process of applying to another camp for the same type of job.

These jobs would e perfect for me as a music education major. This is what I want to do with my life.

But then there are my parents. And Sarah Kenney playing instigator (thanks Sarah) who keep pushing at me to audition for a job as a performing intern as the Cortland Repertory Theater, and to take acting classes and blah blah blah. So now, I am in the process of creating a resume to submit to them for an audition I have yet to schedule that will be in like 2 weeks. And I'm looking into being able to come home to audition for Plays in the Park this summer.

It's wierd. it's not that I don't want to perform and don't love to perform. I do. But once I switched to teaching, I feel like that is my priority now, and that is what I spend my time doing. And now, with the pushing from my parents, I'm torn. I want to audition, but looking at this resume I put together I just feel like I'm so far behind if i want to do stuff like this. I've always wanted to do stuff like Plays in the Park and what have you, but their auditions are always when I am at school and of course callbacks ae during the week...too bad I go to school 4 hours away. lame.

So basically, I'm just writing this to express the inner battle going on in my head. I want to audition, it's just not somethiing I've done before and I'm completely (well not completely) but relatively out of my element. I don't audition, I teach now. But I guess if I ever want a shot at trying to do both...no better time than the present. Who cares that I'm 21 (almost). Now is a better time to star tthen never right?

right?

i've never had such high anxiety. im constantly shaking and sick to my stomach. i hate this. this should not be happening and I hate that it is. I just want to cry. I'm trying to do my job to the best of my ability and it sucks that this is part of my job. I just want to curl up in a ball until it goes away, but I can't. This is my job and I have to be professional and still keep my friends.

For now, I will curl up in a ball and sleep because I am so emotionally drained I can't keep my eyes open.

Some Enchanted Evening

So yesterday I went to see my first Broadway show that isn't Spring Awakening in awhile. It was South Pacific and it was beautiful. I absolutely loved it. David Pittsinger was Emile and while at first I was disappointed beecause I really wanted to get the chance to see Paulo Szot, David blew me away. His voice was stunning. Once he went into Some Enchanted Evening, I was absolutely hooked. Gorgeous, and he played the character well and overall gave a great performance. Another thing I thought I would be disappointed with was the fact that I had missed seeing Matthew Morrison as Lt. Joe Cable by mere days. His last perfrmance was Sunday night, and Andrew Samonsky started on Tuesday. I absolutely love Andrew. Now, I have never seen Matthew in the part but if I had to judge between Matthew on the CD and Andrew on the show, Andrew would win. His voice was perfect, he had a great mixed register and he wasn't straining at all to his the high notes in Younger Than Springtime, which I can't say about the CD version. He was perfect, his voice, his character. And it didn't hurt that he was absolutely gorgeous as a person. Kelli O'Hara was great. She sounded like she might be a little sick, had some trouble hitting a note or two, but she was very good. Her acting was phenomenal as Nellie. And I loooved Danny Burstien as Luther Billis. There is Nothin Like a Dame was one of my favorite pieces. It was hilarious, and there was so much going on and it was just plain fun!

I absolutely adored this show. The music is beautiful, and I can't get it out of my head. Even after seeing Spring Awakening again today, I was singing South Pacific at the stage door. It was just the kind of show I needed to remind me how much is out there that I've been missing.

Now, I also went to see Spring Awakening for my 7th and final time tonight. My friend bought a ticket for me awhile back, probably 3 weeks ago at this point and it took me a long time to actually decide I was going. A few days ago was when I officially said yes. See, when I saw the show in December 16, with Matt Doyle as Melchior, and I thought it was my last time, it was an amazing show. It is still my favorite of all the times I've seen it. I wasn't sure I could go again, and have a different show be my last memory of SA. But, my dear Sarah wanted me to go and so I eventually decided I would. And the show was great. Hunter wasn't bad as Melchior, in fact I really enjoyed his acting, but his voice doesn't hold a candle to Matt's. He was good, but I could tell that he had been sick only a few days before. He didn't have a good switch from chest to head voice and sometimes he was quiet. But all in all he was good. He facial expressions in Totally F*cked were hilarious. Like I said, I thought his acting was great. Gerard of course made me bawl, on more than one occasion this time. He sounded a little hoarse in Don't Do Sadness, butI loved him. He broke my heart when he told his father he failed, and then the suicide scene all but killed me. He is amazing.

Stagedoor was fun, but annoying. There were a lot of screaming giddy young girls that i wanted to strangle. I was about 2 or 3 people deep so Sarah was getting my playbill signed for me. We talked to Hunter for a miinute or two, an he was a real sweetheart! It was really cool to meet him. Sadly, Matt didn't come out, but I have such a great memory of him from last time, that I'm really not disappointed.

I cried through most of this show, knowing that without a doubt, this is my last time seeing this show that has touched me so much. But, I realized tonight that it is time for me to move on anyway. While I love Spring Awakening, and nothing has ever touched me like this has, and nothing probably will for a long time, I realize, especially after finally seeing a different show for once, that there is so much more out there I want to see. Spring Awakening will always have a close place in my heart for the hope and happiness it has given me this past year (1 year ago on Tuesday was the first time I saw the show!), but it's time to close the book on it.

I'm happy about this realization. There are so many things I want to see now, that I've been neglecting because I was so focused on Spring Awakening that it's exciting to think about all the new things I will see! I have tickets for Guys and Dolls in March and I'm also hoping to see West Side Story over the summer and some other shows as well. I can't wait til I have time this summer to do that!

In other news, I saw my friends from Jersey for the last time til April or May today. It was sad, and I'll miss them. I love being home and spending time with them. They are my life and I miss them a lot when we are all at school.

Also, Sarah is driving back up to school with me now on Sunday which is cool. I told her we could listen to Bare and some other musicals. I'm glad it's Sarah cause she understands my love for some things and she'll appreciate my music, so I can listen to my music instead of putting on the radio if it was another person. She's also going to come stay with me for Spring Break! Her parents are going on a cruise and mine are going to be in Florida, plus we are both hoping to be in the travel band for the mens Big East tournaent at MSG which we would have to be at on the Tuesday of break anyway so she's just gonna come stay with me and then we'll go in to MSG together. She's also going to come see Guys and Dolls with me that weekend =).

I head back to school Sunday. I'm nervous, but I've been doing so much work an prep that I think I can do this. I'm like the little engine that could haha.

Insomnia

I haven't been able to sleep for most of this break. The first few days I think were all. But now, I can't fall asleep until at least 3 if not later and then I sleep until 12;30 and the samething happens over and over again. I don'tknow why it is. This used to happen when I was younger on Sunday nights every so often or at the end of summer or a break when I had to return tos chool. But this is 3 weeks straight. It's getting ridiculous. My mom said back then when I coudln't sleep it must be because my mind was racing, even if I didn't know it. Nowadays, I may not be aware of it but my mind is constantly racing. I think right now, because I have such a strong fear of failure, that I'm constantlythnking about failing at my responsibilities for this upcoming semester. I know I haven't done a poor job so far, but I'm just always afraid I'm going to make a mistake. There are so many people who did not want me in this position, that I'm paranoid that if I make one mistake everything I've been working so hard at will come crashing down on me. I've wanted this for so long, and I finally have it and I love it, I do. And I work really hard at what I do, I put a lot of effort into this. Into this above all things, above things it shouldn't be above, like my recital (which is also freaking me out a bit), but I have that much dedication to this that it is my number one priority. And I wish everyone could see that, I wish everyone knew or that I could express or better portray how much this means to me and how much I love what I'm doing.

I think that once I'm back at school and this all gets underway, I'll be fine and I'll go back to sleeping. I'm not going to let this run my life. But right now I'm just scared of failure. And I'm also really excited, don't get me wrong. I'm extremely excited to be doing what I'm doing and be doing it with these amazing people, and I think that's part of it too. So one more week of insomnia and I'm back to school for what should prove to be one hell of a semester, in more ways than one.

Maybe reading some more will help. Maybe.