So here I am again with yet another internet blog thing. I've become very, well fickle i guess would be the best word, with my internet blogs. I had an open diary account for awhile back in middle school and was surprisingly good about writing in it everyday. I even used to keep a real written journal back then too. That has since been deleted (not by me. I love looking back on old posts and seeing what was going through my head at different times. It amazes me how much I've grown up). I've had a livejournal towards the end of middle school. Pretty sure that was deleted. And I have had a xanga during high school. That still exists and I go back and read it from time to time. I only really wrote in it for freshman and sophomore year I guess, and every once in awhile since then. There's probabaly 5 entries from my 2 years in college. But I always like to have these, even though I feel like I start a new one every few years.
I've been thinking a lot this summer and I don't know why. But I feel like even just over this summer I've grown up and matured. Maybe it's because I work in an office every day for 8 hours and i feel like a real "grown up" so to speak but I don't really know. Maybe it's because I'm taking on more responsibilities next year at school, what with being VPM for Tau Beta Sigma, a captain for SUMB and being a junior music ed major which is a task unto itself. Maybe it's because of these responsibilities that I feel I need to act older than I am. I'm only 20 but I feel like I should be acting more mature than I have in the past. Not to say I'm not mature and I act like I'm 10 or 14 or something like that. I act my age but sometimes I just feel like I'm more immature than I'd like to be. I don't really know why I'm babbling about this. It barely even makes sense to me but it's my blog, and so that's what I'll do.
I feel like part of this maturing, as silly and crazy as this will sound, is because of my current fascination with Spring Awakening and it's cast. I saw Spring Awakening for the first time on January 6 of this year (no I did not remember back that far, I saw it last night and when I put my ticket in my little photo book for my musicals I saw my first ticket) and I absolutely fell in love. I had been listening to the music for months and the show just blew me away. It was all I was listening to. I found out soon after I got back to school when the 2 leads would play their final show and after realizing I would be home by then I found 2 seats and my mom bought me the tickets for my birthday (which was in April). I went to the show and yet again fell in love with a renewed passion for it. I come to work everyday and I get bored so back then in May I was on the Spring Awakening forums constantly reading different peoples opinions, reviews of the show, meeting new people, getting different outlooks and perspectives on certain things and I was hooked. I bought onstage seats for June 7 next to one of my favorite cast members (who was understudying that day so I didn't get to sit next to him) and I met a lot of the cast at the stage door. Yet again I fell head over heels. And I saw it once again last night from the front row and of course, there was never a doubt in my mind, I found a new refreshed view of the show and said hello to a few cast members again. The reason I thnk this show has been a part of my maturing is because, because I have become so involved in this show I have talked to people from different age groups and I've listened to interviews with these actors from the show who are all around my age and the way they speak just blows me away. I felt like every time I watched something of the cast they were so deep and had so much understanding of not only this show and their characters but of the world we live in. I don't know why but I think to myself, "wow, I wish I could do that. Be so articulate and thoughtful" and so throughout the summer, while yes, my friends things I'm insane to be so caught up in this show, it's taught me something strangely enough. I'm learning how to grow up. After all, that's what the show is all about. And you all may think of crazy, but I know that I am not the only person out there that has been affected by this show. Go on a forum and see for yourself.
I've also been thinking a lot about me and my dreams. I'm a singer. It's what I do. When I first went to college I was a performance major. After one year I changed my mind and transferred to the music education program. And I do not regret that decision. I don't. I would love to teach music and I'm so incredibly excited to go back and start all my really awesome classes next semester. But since the summer started I've been thinking about why I don't do shows anymore, and yea it's mostly because of timing and auditions that I can't do because of my schedule and the fact that I go to school 4 hours away from where I live during the summer. But another part of me wonders if I'm just afraid to put myself out there. My dad sent me this thing to sing for a Frank Sinatra tribute in December. The application and recorded audition are due August 1st. I thought about sending one in, but the show is my last day of finals, granted I'll probably be home by then, but I also have to commit to 2 rehearsals which are undetermined at this point (this is all speculative if I would have even been chosen) and I can't commit to those without knowing dates because I go to school over 5 hours away from where this theater is. I want to. I want to do it. I also wanted to submit an audition tape to the Spring Awakening casting directors through the webpage, but I'm scared. I'm scared that I'm just not good enough. I remember thinking all year when I would try out for solos in Main Squeeze (my a cappella group) and I repeatedly wouldn't get them or would be like second to someone most of the time that I'm good, just not quite good enough. Now that's not a nice feeling. I've since gotten over that slightly, but half the time I still feel that I'm just not good enough.
I'll end this here for now, because I have a few more things to take care of before I leave this dull job for the day, but I'll certainly be back tomorrow I think.
I think I'm going to like this new blog. ..
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