i've never had such high anxiety. im constantly shaking and sick to my stomach. i hate this. this should not be happening and I hate that it is. I just want to cry. I'm trying to do my job to the best of my ability and it sucks that this is part of my job. I just want to curl up in a ball until it goes away, but I can't. This is my job and I have to be professional and still keep my friends.

For now, I will curl up in a ball and sleep because I am so emotionally drained I can't keep my eyes open.

Some Enchanted Evening

So yesterday I went to see my first Broadway show that isn't Spring Awakening in awhile. It was South Pacific and it was beautiful. I absolutely loved it. David Pittsinger was Emile and while at first I was disappointed beecause I really wanted to get the chance to see Paulo Szot, David blew me away. His voice was stunning. Once he went into Some Enchanted Evening, I was absolutely hooked. Gorgeous, and he played the character well and overall gave a great performance. Another thing I thought I would be disappointed with was the fact that I had missed seeing Matthew Morrison as Lt. Joe Cable by mere days. His last perfrmance was Sunday night, and Andrew Samonsky started on Tuesday. I absolutely love Andrew. Now, I have never seen Matthew in the part but if I had to judge between Matthew on the CD and Andrew on the show, Andrew would win. His voice was perfect, he had a great mixed register and he wasn't straining at all to his the high notes in Younger Than Springtime, which I can't say about the CD version. He was perfect, his voice, his character. And it didn't hurt that he was absolutely gorgeous as a person. Kelli O'Hara was great. She sounded like she might be a little sick, had some trouble hitting a note or two, but she was very good. Her acting was phenomenal as Nellie. And I loooved Danny Burstien as Luther Billis. There is Nothin Like a Dame was one of my favorite pieces. It was hilarious, and there was so much going on and it was just plain fun!

I absolutely adored this show. The music is beautiful, and I can't get it out of my head. Even after seeing Spring Awakening again today, I was singing South Pacific at the stage door. It was just the kind of show I needed to remind me how much is out there that I've been missing.

Now, I also went to see Spring Awakening for my 7th and final time tonight. My friend bought a ticket for me awhile back, probably 3 weeks ago at this point and it took me a long time to actually decide I was going. A few days ago was when I officially said yes. See, when I saw the show in December 16, with Matt Doyle as Melchior, and I thought it was my last time, it was an amazing show. It is still my favorite of all the times I've seen it. I wasn't sure I could go again, and have a different show be my last memory of SA. But, my dear Sarah wanted me to go and so I eventually decided I would. And the show was great. Hunter wasn't bad as Melchior, in fact I really enjoyed his acting, but his voice doesn't hold a candle to Matt's. He was good, but I could tell that he had been sick only a few days before. He didn't have a good switch from chest to head voice and sometimes he was quiet. But all in all he was good. He facial expressions in Totally F*cked were hilarious. Like I said, I thought his acting was great. Gerard of course made me bawl, on more than one occasion this time. He sounded a little hoarse in Don't Do Sadness, butI loved him. He broke my heart when he told his father he failed, and then the suicide scene all but killed me. He is amazing.

Stagedoor was fun, but annoying. There were a lot of screaming giddy young girls that i wanted to strangle. I was about 2 or 3 people deep so Sarah was getting my playbill signed for me. We talked to Hunter for a miinute or two, an he was a real sweetheart! It was really cool to meet him. Sadly, Matt didn't come out, but I have such a great memory of him from last time, that I'm really not disappointed.

I cried through most of this show, knowing that without a doubt, this is my last time seeing this show that has touched me so much. But, I realized tonight that it is time for me to move on anyway. While I love Spring Awakening, and nothing has ever touched me like this has, and nothing probably will for a long time, I realize, especially after finally seeing a different show for once, that there is so much more out there I want to see. Spring Awakening will always have a close place in my heart for the hope and happiness it has given me this past year (1 year ago on Tuesday was the first time I saw the show!), but it's time to close the book on it.

I'm happy about this realization. There are so many things I want to see now, that I've been neglecting because I was so focused on Spring Awakening that it's exciting to think about all the new things I will see! I have tickets for Guys and Dolls in March and I'm also hoping to see West Side Story over the summer and some other shows as well. I can't wait til I have time this summer to do that!

In other news, I saw my friends from Jersey for the last time til April or May today. It was sad, and I'll miss them. I love being home and spending time with them. They are my life and I miss them a lot when we are all at school.

Also, Sarah is driving back up to school with me now on Sunday which is cool. I told her we could listen to Bare and some other musicals. I'm glad it's Sarah cause she understands my love for some things and she'll appreciate my music, so I can listen to my music instead of putting on the radio if it was another person. She's also going to come stay with me for Spring Break! Her parents are going on a cruise and mine are going to be in Florida, plus we are both hoping to be in the travel band for the mens Big East tournaent at MSG which we would have to be at on the Tuesday of break anyway so she's just gonna come stay with me and then we'll go in to MSG together. She's also going to come see Guys and Dolls with me that weekend =).

I head back to school Sunday. I'm nervous, but I've been doing so much work an prep that I think I can do this. I'm like the little engine that could haha.

Insomnia

I haven't been able to sleep for most of this break. The first few days I think were all. But now, I can't fall asleep until at least 3 if not later and then I sleep until 12;30 and the samething happens over and over again. I don'tknow why it is. This used to happen when I was younger on Sunday nights every so often or at the end of summer or a break when I had to return tos chool. But this is 3 weeks straight. It's getting ridiculous. My mom said back then when I coudln't sleep it must be because my mind was racing, even if I didn't know it. Nowadays, I may not be aware of it but my mind is constantly racing. I think right now, because I have such a strong fear of failure, that I'm constantlythnking about failing at my responsibilities for this upcoming semester. I know I haven't done a poor job so far, but I'm just always afraid I'm going to make a mistake. There are so many people who did not want me in this position, that I'm paranoid that if I make one mistake everything I've been working so hard at will come crashing down on me. I've wanted this for so long, and I finally have it and I love it, I do. And I work really hard at what I do, I put a lot of effort into this. Into this above all things, above things it shouldn't be above, like my recital (which is also freaking me out a bit), but I have that much dedication to this that it is my number one priority. And I wish everyone could see that, I wish everyone knew or that I could express or better portray how much this means to me and how much I love what I'm doing.

I think that once I'm back at school and this all gets underway, I'll be fine and I'll go back to sleeping. I'm not going to let this run my life. But right now I'm just scared of failure. And I'm also really excited, don't get me wrong. I'm extremely excited to be doing what I'm doing and be doing it with these amazing people, and I think that's part of it too. So one more week of insomnia and I'm back to school for what should prove to be one hell of a semester, in more ways than one.

Maybe reading some more will help. Maybe.

Alone

I'm lonely. I don't know why but all of a sudden recently I'm just constantly thinking about being lonely. Not that I don't have my friends or anything, cuz I do. I mean in the 'love' category i guess. It's not like a need a boyfriend to be happy, I'm just seeing everyone around me in a relationship and it's starting to take it's toll on me. All of my friends from home (save for 2) have been in serious relationships for all a year or more. Meanwhile, the last boyfriend i had was my junior year of high school for 2 months. I don't know why it's bugging me recently. It's not like I'm not happy on my own, I don't need a guy to be happy. I'm busy, I do a lot and what I do makes me happy, bbut for some reason, I just want someone special in my life and I don't have that, and I've never really had that. One day.

Whatever - just wanted to rant for a minute, since once again I'm home alone and left to my own devices I think too much.

Time to read another book

Happy Holidays

<3

Truly Heaven Must Feel LIke This

Well it's been a semester. All i want to write about right now is the amazing experience I had with Spring Awakening tonight. so here goes.

I went in to tonight knowing it would most likely be the last time I ever saw this production. I went in knowing Matt Doyle would be playing the role of Melchior, and I went in knowing that when I left tonight it would be hard for me.

The show was the best show I have seen in my six times of seeing it. Matt absolutely blew me out of the water as Melchior. He really was Melchior. I never saw Matt on stage. He was perfect. His voice was phenomenal and his acting was incredible. Mirror Blue Night finally didin't look awkward to me. And his acting int he beating scene was the best I've ever seen anyone's. In I Believe he wa shaking and was so incredible with that scene. At the end when he discovers Wendla's grave, I've never been moved to tears like I was tonight. Matt was the part. There is no doubt about it. I just can't stress enough how amazing this man is. He blew my mind. I now can't imagine ever seeing anyone play that part as well as Matt did tonight. He was absolutely flawless.I know that tomorrow is his last performance as Melchior and so being the big dork I am, I bought him a little card and wrote in it how grateful I was to have seen him in this part and for all the memories that he has brought me as part of this cast and as an amazing performer etc etc and at the stage door I gave it to him and told him how amazing he was as Melchior and how beautiful i thought his voice was and he gave me the absolute sweetest look and immediately gave me a hug and said "that is so sweet of you! thank you so much!" and took a picture with me. I wish I knew aperson in my life like Matt Doyle. He is probably the sweetest, most talented person I have ever met and I wish him all the best of luck in the future. He is sure to go far with an amazing talent like his.

This show was amazing. I am so thankful that for my last time seeing this show, which has touched me like no other show has and on such a deep level, that this was the show I saw. The new cast has grown so much since I saw them on their second day. Gerard was by far the best Moritz I have seen. He was so helpless, I was about bawling during his suicide monologue. You could just see that he didn't really want to kill himself, but there was no other way out. And I saw the tears in his eyes during his whole scene with Ilse and when he found out he failed and he absolutely broke my heart so many times during the show.

I wish I could relive this show and this night over and over again, but alas, all good things must come to an end. It is going to be very hard for me to let go of this show. I will truly miss Spring Awakening when it closes on January 18th. I'm 20 years old and this show has helped me grow in the past year, it has helped me deal with problems I've had, and it has given me hope in life. I know this sounds silly and childish and really crazy, but a part of my heart will always be for SA and I will never forget the lessons that I have learned from this show. No other show has ever touched me so deeply and so alteringly before and I cannot thank everyone involved enough for all they have done, not just for me, but for everyone who has fallen in love with this show, this story, this cast and this music.

truly heaven must feel like this.

<3

?

what does it all mean? I question everything.

All Things Come to an End

wow. Today started my last week at my summer job. I am extremely happy about the fact that I will not be working here anymore, I can say that much. I appreciate the money I'm making, because it's good money, but this job is just not for me. I'm someone who always has to be busy, I hate having nothing to do and this job provides me with the latter. I recently felt this job was starting to depress me, but really it was just bugging me, not having anything to do.
So there are so obvious positives to this job ending
1. It's ending
2. It means I go on vacation in a week
3. I go back to school in 16 days
But there are some negatives as well.
1. I go back to school in 16 days
2. summer is ending

You'll notice that the fact that i go back to school in a little over 2 weeks falls under both categories. Now, I love school don't get me wrong, I do but while this summer has been fun, I feel like I missed a lot of it. I worked everyday for 8 hours since the day I came home from school. I go out some nights and some weekends but actually for a good 5 weekends in a row I was busy, or visiting family or what have you. I just feel like I missed out on a lot of summer. I didn't go to the beach ever, I didn't go into the city like I usually do with friends, I haven't been able to do things with a lot of my friends because I work and some of them don't, or they have more flexible hours. So it kinda sucks. I wish I had just a little bit more time to hang out with my friends before going back to school. There are some friends I have seen only once or about a handful of times this summer. I know a lot of people that I know up at school don't have a good group of friends and home, in fact they really don't have any becauase they've lost touch, but Im a little different. I have a good core group of friends that I hang out with all the time at home and I'd really like to spend some more time with them before school starts. Maybe just one extra week of free time before band camp and school hit.
Another reason I'm a little nervous for school is because i have a lot of responsibilities and commitments this year. And while I'm no stranger to either of those things, and I love taking responsibilities and leadership and I'm fully committed to everything I do, I'm a little nervous, for the first time in my life, that maybe I'm taking on too much. I go back and forth between knowing I can do it, and doubting myself. These leadership positions I have taken on are things I have wnated since I was a freshman, and now that I'm a junior I can finally do it and I'm so excited, and I have so many ideas and I can't wait to get started, but another part of me is afraid that I just won't be good enough. I just have to keep teling myself I can. Because I know I can and I shouldn't doubt myself. I can do this. I can handle this. I know how to time manage, I will be fine. I will.

now that that rant is over. I am excited for school! band camp is soon and I can't wait to go to leadership camp and meet all the freshman, and move into my apartment, and start some of my music classes and enjoy the year as much as I can. =)

I can't believe I'm a junior. wow.